


a pornographic autobiography in nine parts

by likecharity



Category: The Mighty Boosh RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M, Foursome, Foursome - F/F/M/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-03
Updated: 2008-02-03
Packaged: 2018-10-25 11:10:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10763055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likecharity/pseuds/likecharity
Summary: Sue pushes Noel's leg off her stomach, blows Dee's hair out of her face, and kicks Chris's arm away from where it's draped across her knees. Satisfied, she settles, until everybody moves a second later, and once again, she is covered in various limbs."I can't believe this," she says crossly. "We've been doing this for ages and you two still haven't bought a bigger bed."





	a pornographic autobiography in nine parts

**Author's Note:**

> This fic doesn't really have a _point_ , I just wanted to write about these four arguing and having sex and being cute and stupid together. I hope it's enjoyable anyway. :)

**One.**

Sue scrapes her sweaty fringe out of the way of her eyes and shifts on the bed. She turns onto her side. "Do you remember when this first started?"

Dee flicks her cigarette with her thumbnail, and takes a long drag before looking back at her. "You mean the first time we fucked?"

Sue nods.

"It was in Berlin, wasn't it? On tour."

"When?" Sue asks, puzzled. That's not what she was expecting Dee to say.

"Oh, _ages_ ago," Dee says with a shrug. Their timeline is, admittedly, pretty frayed, and only punctuated with occasional landmarks like meeting Chris, meeting Noel, single releases, and so on. "In that hotel."

Sue struggles, because back then they were _always_ fucking after gigs, 'cause they were away from the boys and they were high on adrenaline and the clean white sheets in the hotel rooms were just _begging_ for it. They're still like that, obviously—tonight being a good example—but it's not as often these days. Back then it was new and exciting. Now, she thinks, they just do it out of habit or for comfort or something. And sometimes when they're having an argument, 'cause it seems to solve things temporarily.

"What hotel?" Sue asks, trying to remember when they were in Berlin on their first tour.

"That awful one with all the spiders," Dee replies, pausing to shuck the sheets down to her waist. She never remembers the names of anything; hotels, venues, clubs, pubs. Useless. "D'you remember? There was one in the bed after we'd finished."

Sue remembers—of _course_ she remembers. She remembers how she felt it creeping up her leg under the covers, and how she kicked and shrieked and shot out of bed. She remembers how she stood stark-naked and shivering in the middle of the room while Dee let the little black bastard crawl onto her hand so she could deposit him onto the windowsill outside.

Dee seems satisfied that this little trip down memory lane is over, and she stabs out her cigarette in their makeshift ashtray and settles down in the bed. "I'm shattered."

Sue frowns. "Are you sure that was the first time?"

"What?" Dee says, an edge of annoyance in her voice. "Yeah. Don't you remember? With the pervert spider? Don't blame him for trying to get in on the action and all, but he was a bit of mood killer."

"I remember the spider," Sue says, chuckling a little, but she's anxious to work this out properly.

"And then we fucked again, afterwards, in the shower," Dee continues, turning onto her side away from Sue.

"What?"

"We were fighting over who would get to shower first," Dee says with an exasperated sigh. Her voice is muffled against the pillow. "'Cause it was just after a gig. And we'd just had sex. So we wanted a shower. And we ended up in there together. D'you really not remember? I would've thought you'd still have the bruises. That shower cubicle was _tiny._ "

Sue can just about remember. Mostly she remembers the temperature dial digging into her back. She really did have bruises. She thinks that's probably the reason she refrains from having sex in showers now. There was that one time in the bath, with Chris, but that was different.

"Yeah, I remember," she says quietly. "I don't think that was the first time, though."

"It was," Dee insists. "Now shut up and let me get some sleep."

Sue prods her in the shoulder half-heartedly, then turns onto her back, staring at the ceiling. She does remember all that, Dee's story, but—she's got this _other_ memory. She always thought the first time had been in Dee and Noel's flat, years ago, like when they'd just moved in together. But she can already imagine Dee arguing with that, 'cause they've only fucked in their _houses_ a handful of times, and she's got to admit it seems unlikely for the first time to be one of them.

But the memory's still there. They'd been DJing, she thinks. Dee'd got really drunk, and when they got back to the flat, she'd just collapsed upside-down on the nearest piece of furniture, a tangle of limbs. Sue remembers finding a half-empty bottle of vodka and suggesting they finish it off, directing the question to Dee's legs, which were the only part of her she could see, clad in hot-pink tights and dangling over the back of the sofa.

She remembers how Dee had asked her to come look at the room, saying it was upside-down. "I think that's you," Sue had said, swigging the vodka as she walked over. "Fuck off. Come look," was the response she'd got.

And so they'd lain there, upside down, blood rushing to their heads, for ages. And then Dee had turned her head and shuffled closer, and Sue could smell hairspray and smudged make-up and sweat. And then they'd kissed, and spilled vodka all over the carpet, and kissed some more, and Dee had clambered on top of her, straddling her, not letting her get up even though she was starting to feel really dizzy. And then Dee had fucked her, right there on the sofa in the living room, even though Noel could've come home at any moment.

That's another reason it seems unlikely. She can almost hear Dee saying, "Yeah, so where was Noel then?" And she can't remember. But like—it _must_ have happened. People don't just invent memories out of nowhere. And she's pretty sure it was the first time, because her memory of the sex in the Spider Hotel in Berlin is really comfortable, like they'd been doing it for months.

"What about that time at your flat?" Sue asks. She can't help herself. "I was upside-down on the sofa. I think I nearly passed out."

"Because I was so good?"

Sue laughs. "Because I was _upside-down._ "

"I dunno," Dee says. "The time with the spider was the first, though."

Sue turns and looks at her. She's still facing away from her, but she looks at her bare back, her messy two-tone hair, the curve of her hip. Absentmindedly, she traces a freckle with her fingertip. "I thought the time when I was upside-down was the first. Is this just going to be another thing we're going to argue about?"

"It is if you don't shut up."

Sue pauses. She bites her lip. "But," she starts, "I really think—"

She's not particularly surprised when Dee turns around and whacks her with a cushion. She's just glad they're only surrounded by soft things.

"So we're going to agree to disagree, then?" she asks, grinning.

"Sue," Dee groans. "Please. Fuck off."

 

**Two.**

"Do you remember when this first started?" Noel asks, lips ghosting over the head of Chris's cock, teasing unintentionally.

"What?" Chris says sharply, head snapping up to look down at Noel. "Why did you stop?"

"Nah, I was just wondering..." Noel says, wrapping his fist loosely around Chris's erection and stroking him lazily. "Do you remember the first time I gave you a blowjob?"

"That's not the kind of thing people usually ask when they're _in the middle_ of giving a blowjob," Chris says grumpily.

"But do you?"

"Yeah, it was after that Robots thing," Chris says with a sigh. Noel has the feeling Chris is just humouring him, trying to get the conversation over as quickly as possible so they can get back to the sex.

"What?"

"The cover for _Boys_ ," Chris clarifies. "The girls went for a coffee and the photographers packed up their stuff, and you went down on me behind some bushes. It was probably the dodgiest thing I've ever done."

Noel gives him a disbelieving look.

"Okay. _One_ of the dodgiest things I've ever done," Chris corrects. "Anyway. Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering if you remembered," Noel shrugs. "What about the first time you fucked me?"

Chris groans. "Can we try and test my memory some other time?" he snaps. "I know you already came, but—" he gestures to his erection, and Noel's slowing hand around it, "—I still _really_ need to."

"Oh!" says Noel, as though he's only just noticed what's going on. "Right, sorry."

He ducks his head down, taking Chris's cock back into the warmth of his mouth, and Chris moans appreciatively, reaching down to rake his fingers through Noel's hair.

Their conversations usually last about this long.

 

**Three.**

"We're probably really stupid," Sue says thoughtfully, flicking on the bedside light. "Chris could still come home at any moment. He could've come home at some point last night. You know what I'm like with being walked in on."

Being walked in on during sexual acts is Sue Denim's speciality, as it happens. She has, quite honestly, lost track of the number of times she's been caught in the act. She and Chris have been walked in on by Dee and/or Noel so many times that it is no longer even embarrassing or surprising, just more of an annoyance really. As a teenager she couldn't even lose her virginity without a family member bursting in, and even now she can barely get through a good wank without having someone like the window cleaner turn up.

"He sent you a text," Dee points out.

"Yeah, saying _'staying out'_ ," Sue snorts, "and that was it."

"Good enough for me," shrugs Dee. She snuggles down further underneath the covers. "Why's it so fucking cold?"

"Heating's broken," Sue sighs. "Chris keeps saying he'll call someone, but..." she trails off.

Dee pulls the covers up around her neck and shifts around some more. A stubble-covered leg knocks Sue's own, smooth one, and she draws back, swearing.

"You're so _spiky_ ," she snaps. "I wish you'd shave."

"Why should I? It's Winter, I'm not gonna be wearing a skirt any time soon. I don't know why _you_ bother. And you shave _everywhere._ " Dee reaches under the covers and between Sue's legs briefly, to illustrate her point. "I still don't understand why you do that. Doesn't it itch like fuck?"

Sue frowns. "Chris likes it," she says, then, embarrassed, changes the subject. "C'mon then. We should get up."

"Are you kidding? It's like the Arctic out there."

"Out where?"

"Outside of this bed. I'm staying here."

"But I'm hungry. I want breakfast. And it's cold in here, too."

"Yeah, but at least here there are things we can do to warm up," Dee replies, rolling over and shuffling closer.

Sue yawns as Dee throws a prickly leg over her and ends up sitting on top of her, duvet clutched round her neck like a giant cape.

"You look ridiculous," Sue says. "Am I meant to find that sexy?"

Dee ignores her. She reaches forwards and pinches Sue's hard nipples as if to prove a point.

"That's because of the cold," Sue says defensively.

Dee makes a face and reaches behind her, hand sliding between Sue's thighs. "And that?"

Sue heaves a sigh. "Fine. That's because of you."

Dee grins triumphantly and wriggles down underneath the covers, and Sue would make a big show of sighing and rolling her eyes and eventually giving in—if she could be bothered. She spreads her legs.

And then a thought strikes her. "Dee, how come we never use any toys?"

There is a pause, then Dee's reply comes. "Are my fingers and my tongue not enough for you?"

Sue laughs. "'Course they are. It's just—well, I know you have a strap-on dildo..."

Dee suddenly appears again from underneath the covers, lying on top of Sue and looking suspicious. "How did you know about that?"

"You keep it in your knicker drawer," Sue says nonchalantly. "It's not the most original hiding place in the world. I've been keeping a vibrator in mine since I was about sixteen."

"I know," Dee says.

"See? I think we're kind of bound to know these things about each other."

Dee laughs, but she still seems kind of on edge. Sue reaches out and starts playing with Dee's hair, winding several strands around her fingers and then letting them go.

"I'm not trying to be rude," she says. "It's just...well, if you never use it on me, then..."

Dee looks shifty. She avoids Sue's eyes.

"What?" Sue asks, a grin creeping across her mouth. " _Noel?_ "

"Don't!" Dee cries. "He told me he'd _die_ if anyone ever found out—he's so embarrassed—"

Sue starts laughing so hard that Dee has to climb off her. "I don't think I'm ever going to be able to look him in the eye again!"

"Shut up! It's not that big a deal!"

Sue coughs. "I'm sorry, you're right. It's perfectly normal for a man to want to—" she breaks off again, bursting into fits of laughter, and Dee scowls, crawling back underneath the duvet. She feels her legs being pushed apart and she tries to contain herself, but it's a good few minutes before she's distracted enough by what Dee's doing with her tongue to even be _thinking_ about laughing.

She's forgotten all about it by the time Dee's the one spreading her legs, hot and wet against her fingers. She slides two fingers inside her and watches Dee start to rock back and forth, riding them, fucking herself on them.

"Not finding it so funny now, are you?" Dee grins.

"No," Sue says, remembering now, and the image of Dee fucking Noel flashes into her head. "Actually, I'm kind of turned on."

 

**Four.**

There's something kind of disturbing, Noel thinks, about having sex with Chris Corner after he's just done an IAMX gig. It's not that he minds Chris wearing make-up—obviously, otherwise he'd be a bit of a hypocrite—it's just that when Chris is on stage he's such a _performer_ , and he's all dressed up like one too. And when they're backstage, grinding against each other on the floor of Chris's dressing room, Noel kind of hates that he has to get through so many layers of make-up and satin and glitter before he can get to the _real_ Chris.

Chris wipes a sequin off his cheek. "You've got lipstick all over your chin," he informs Noel.

"I wonder how that happened," Noel sneers, pulling Chris closer and trying to tear off the ridiculous shiny blazer he's wearing. "Now would you get on with it and fuck me?"

"Patience, patience," Chris says at length, pulling off the blazer carefully and tossing it aside.

"Wanker," Noel mutters. "If you knew how badly I want you to—"

"Oh, I do know," chuckles Chris. "It's just amusing watching you squirm."

"I could be doing better things with my time than squirming," says Noel, impatient.

"Like undressing, for example?"

"Like undressing," Noel agrees, lifting himself up to peel off his t-shirt.

Chris grins and shakes his head, then carries on with taking off his own—well, what he prefers to call _'costume'_ rather than 'clothes'. When they're both mostly naked, Noel starts rutting up against him, erection rubbing against his stomach.

"Christ, you're such a little whore."

"Stop it! Stop talking and just _fuck_ me."

He knows there's only so much he can draw this out before Noel actually gets seriously pissed off with him, so he decides not to push his luck, and just rummages through his bag for his condoms and lube. Noel is impatient again, and wraps his fist round his cock, wanking frantically as Chris gets himself ready.

"For God's sake, you'd think you hadn't had it in months," Chris sniggers.

"It's been weeks!" Noel snaps defensively, pulling Chris towards him and sliding the condom onto his cock in one smooth glide. (Chris always struggled with them; he figured it was something to do with his nails.)

"It's been about a week and a half."

"Just—please—"

"I know, I know...you want me to fuck you."

Chris is about to put some of the lube onto his fingers but Noel shakes his head. "Don't, please, don't even bother, I don't need it—just—your cock, I need your cock—"

Chris doesn't need any more encouragement. He strokes a dollop of lube along the length of his cock, then pushes the head against Noel's arsehole, shuddering already, involuntarily, at the tightness. Noel groans, reaching round to pull him closer, urging him on. Chris pushes, thrusts, and his cock slides into the tight slick heat, Noel moaning and quivering beneath him.

" _Yes,"_ he hisses, looking up at Chris beneath his messy black fringe. "Yesyesyes."

Chris's lips stretch into a smile, and he shakes his head, sliding his cock in deeper, up to the root, and exhaling slowly. Noel has Chris's hips in a death-grip, and he holds him there, head thrown back, savouring the feeling of Chris's entire length inside him. Eventually he lets Chris move, and Chris does—bucking his hips back and then forwards again, thrusting into Noel with intense force, quicker and quicker until Noel is writhing on the floor below him and begging for even _more._

Chris reaches for Noel's cock, which is bouncing rock-hard against his stomach, and before he even touches it, it jerks, and Noel shudders, whole body tensing as he comes hard in long streaks across his chest.

"Wow," murmurs Chris, gently milking the rest of Noel's orgasm from his cock, and Noel flops back, exhausted, stunned.

"Wow," he echoes.

 

**Five.**

"If you'd _shut the fuck up_ and let me _speak_ for a second—" Sue shouts, having to raise her voice considerably in order for Dee to hear it, over her own yelling.

"I don't even get why you're mad! It's not like we're fucking married!" Dee shouts back. "You never act like you care about me anyway, I don't—"

" _What?_ If _I_ don't act like I care about _you_ , then you must treat me like I'm fucking invisible!"

" _You're being pathetic, you're gonna regret it..._ " Dee sings quietly, taunting her, sneering at her.

 _I'm hating you lately, I want my 3.80,_ Sue's mind automatically responds. She digs her fingernails into her own arm. "Shut up!" she screams.

"Shut up!" Dee echoes immediately, and for the first time in ages, Sue really, _really_ wants to fucking hit her.

" _Shut the fuck up!_ " Sue shrieks, pointlessly, kicking over the chair by the dining room table, throwing a half-empty glass of water at the wall.

Out of the corner of her eye she sees Chris, hovering in the doorway, but she can't deal with him right now. Noel enters the room and gently curls his hand round Dee's shoulder. She lashes out, slapping his hand away, and he jumps back, retreating to Chris.

Sue turns back to Dee, who's doing that stupid fucking _smirking_ thing she does when she thinks she's winning or she's got the upper hand somehow. She hears Chris muttering something to Noel about 'letting them get it out of their systems' and the two of them head off upstairs.

"Stop fucking smirking at me!" Sue yells, and before she knows what she's doing she's rushing forwards, slapping Dee across the face.

Dee grabs her by the wrist, in a painfully tight grip, and comes in close, breathing against her skin. Sue can smell alcohol on her breath. She turns her head away, and Dee leans in closer still.

"Don't turn away from me, you little slut," she hisses into Sue's ear, then suddenly bites down on her earlobe.

" _Fuck,_ " Sue gasps, reaching instinctively for her ear, but Dee grabs her other arm too, holding both her wrists together in one hand.

Sue struggles, then feels Dee's tongue soothing the throbbing skin. She feels herself starting to relax, but then Dee's free hand is fumbling with the buttons of her jeans and she feels her anger flare up again.

"You can't just fix this with sex!" she shouts.

"Keep your fucking voice down," Dee mutters in her ear, getting the buttons undone and reaching inside Sue's tight trousers, shoving her hand down the front of her thong.

And it'd be fine if Sue really didn't want this, because she could scream for Chris or Noel. Even just threatening to would get Dee to back off in an instant, and they both know that. But if Dee thought there was even a possibility of Sue doing that, she wouldn't have started this in the first place. It's because she knows she wants it, and that's almost the worst thing. Dee takes control about ninety-nine per cent of the time, but it's only when they're fighting that she does it like this. And _fuck_ if it doesn't make Sue want her more.

Dee thrusts two fingers into her and bites at her neck. "Don't be so quiet," she says loudly, "they'll think we've stopped fighting."

Sue splutters in disbelief. "What? Fuck you!"

"That's good," Dee grins, grinding the heel of her hand against Sue's clit, making her cry out in spite of herself. She backs her against the wall, and Sue cracks her head on a picture frame and swears, breaking from Dee's grip to rub her head.

"Bitch!" she shrieks.

"Very good," Dee murmurs, then raises her voice, yelling, "Whore!"

Sue seethes, struggling, kicking at Dee's shins, but Dee barely even seems to notice. Dee's hand snakes up Sue's t-shirt, grabbing at her tits, squeezing, rubbing, and Sue groans, knowing this is going to leave bruises but not being able to make herself care. She rubs against Dee's hand and Dee slides a third finger inside her, sucking hard on the skin at her collarbone, pushing up against her, hipbones pressing into her skin.

She comes hard, yelling and half pushing Dee away from her, throwing back her head as Dee presses fierce kisses to her chin and her cheekbones, anywhere but her mouth. They part, panting and sweaty and staring at each other, and hear a thump above them upstairs.

Noel and Chris come down the stairs and into the room cautiously a few minutes later, claiming there's something on TV they want to watch. Somehow—like _magic_ —Sue already feels a hell of a lot calmer.

 

**Six.**

They all arrive back at Noel and Dee's after a crazy night out in a sort of drug-induced haze, stumbling through the front door and separating off into various rooms to do God knows what.

"Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll?" Noel suggests, tripping up on his way up the stairs with Chris in tow.

Sue and Dee laugh and head off to the kitchen in search of more alcohol, but when a couple they don't even recognise start attempting to have sex on the counter, they decide to head upstairs and out of the way. The door to Noel and Dee's bedroom is closed, and Sue frowns, placing her hand on it to push it open and then stopping herself.

"Are Chris and Noel in there?" Dee asks.

Sue presses her ear against the door. "Yeah. I can hear Chris's voice."

"They're probably fucking," says Dee offhandedly, and then her mouth falls open like she's surprised even herself by suggesting it.

"You think?" Sue asks, dropping her voice lower.

"I don't know," Dee says, suddenly looking completely unsure. "I just—well, I was _joking_ , but...well, it wouldn't surprise me."

"The wall will be thinner than the door," says Sue. "Guest room. Now."

By the time they're settled in the guest room on the floor, giggling like naughty little girls, they don't even need to lean against the wall. The creaking of bedsprings and the groaning and swearing is so loud that they can hear it easily and it's blindingly obvious what's going on next door.

"Fuck," whispers Sue, laughing in a stunned sort of way with her hand over her mouth.

"I know," Dee agrees, and they sit in silence for a moment to fully appreciate what they're hearing.

They hear the hard thud of the headboard against the wall, and Noel crying out Chris's name. Sue thinks she can even hear the slap of skin against skin but she might be imagining it.

"I am so turned on right now," she says without thinking, imagining the scene that's separated from them only by a wall.

"Me too," Dee says. "Fuck. I can't believe this. All this time I've been trying to get him to snog Julian, and...he and Chris might've been shagging this whole time."

Sue laughs. She leans against the wall, ear against the cold wallpaper, trying to hear better. "What d'you think's happening?" she murmurs.

"Noel's on all fours," Dee whispers back, "and Chris is taking him from behind, really—really hard and rough. Pulling his hair."

Sue sort of groans and then tries to compose herself. "Mm," is all she manages at first, then, "and Noel's—Noel's wanking while he's getting fucked?"

"Oh, yeah," Dee nods, "like a schoolboy doing it for the first time."

Sue giggles. "Can't keep his hands off himself."

"Chris is trying to stop him."

"He's dragging his nails down Noel's back."

"Oh, _fuck_ , Sue." A pause. "Does he do that to you?"

Another pause. "That's none of your business."

"Nothing about you is none of my business," Dee retorts.

A loud moan and a "Fuck, _Chris,_ please," comes from the other side of the wall, and both girls freeze, staring at each other with their eyes wide. Sue runs her tongue across her dry lips and tries to calm her pounding heart.

"What's he begging for?" she whispers.

"He wants it even harder," Dee says. "I know that sound."

Sue squirms. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. He wants to feel it tomorrow—he wants—" Dee stops, listens, then starts again, "Listen. The bed's not creaking anymore. Chris is going really slow, it's driving Noel crazy."

"It's driving _me_ crazy," Sue mutters. "Dee. Dee, I'm so wet."

Dee nods. "Me too."

"Fuck."

"Us? Okay," Dee says. She pushes Sue down onto the carpet on her back, and smashes their mouths together desperately, hand sliding under her skirt and pushing her knickers out of the way. Sue scrambles with Dee's trousers, trying to unzip them and pull them down at the same time.

"I'd help you," Dee murmurs, "but I can't take my hands off your cunt."

"Understood," Sue whispers. "Please, please don't."

Dee doesn't. She runs her fingers teasingly over Sue's wet folds, listening to her boyfriend groaning and begging for more on the other side of the wall. She drags a finger up to Sue's clit and Sue bites down on her shoulder.

"Please, Dee, more, fuck me, please, now," she whimpers, words running together in a desperate frenzy as she pulls at Dee's jeans, finally managing to get them undone.

"You sound like Noel," Dee giggles, but takes pity on her, and thrusts two fingers deep inside her, pressing the heel of her hand flat against her clit and rubbing.

Sue moans out loud, yanking Dee's jeans and knickers down to just below her knees. She lays her hand on her own thigh, palm facing upwards, and points two fingers in the air. Dee slides back, positioning herself over Sue's hand, and groans as she lowers herself down in one smooth go, fingers pushing inside her. She rocks back and forth on them, rubbing her clit against Sue's thigh, and fucks Sue with her fingers, wrist against the smooth hairless skin of her cunt.

"Oh, Christ," Sue groans, flopping back against the carpet, throwing back her head. "Oh, fuck. Fuck."

Dee is bucking and grinding against Sue's hand and thigh, fucking herself on Sue's fingers, panting breathlessly, her hair hanging in a shaggy mane over her face. They can get each other off so quickly by now, having done it so many times, so Sue comes seconds later, hard, grabbing at the carpet and clenching around Dee's fingers. She feels wetness seeping onto her thigh and looks up, seeing Dee's screwed-up face and her squeezed-shut eyes.

The bedsprings keep creaking next door, quicker again now, accompanied by the sound of Chris's and Noel's moaning.

"Chris has flipped him onto his back," Dee says, rolling over and sprawling out on the floor.

"Yeah?" Sue says, mind fuzzy from her orgasm. She imagines Noel lying on his back on the bed, hand flying up and down his cock as Chris fucks him hard.

"Yeah, and—"

There's a long, drawn-out moan from next door.

"And he's coming, all over himself," Dee says. "Splattering his tummy."

"Mmm," says Sue, then, "Listen," as they hear a hissed " _Fuck,_ Noel."

"Chris is coming too."

"Where?" Sue asks.

"Oh, anywhere. Inside Noel. Or on his tummy, too."

"On his face."

"Dirty bitch."

"Imagine it!"

They giggle, and Dee wriggles closer, resting her head on Sue's shoulder. "Our boyfriends shag each other."

"Uh huh."

 

**Seven.**

The next time Dee and Noel have sex, she can't stop thinking of him with Chris. She wants desperately to mention it, to let him know that she _knows_ , but she and Sue made an agreement not to mention it. They know that if they do, they might end up incriminating _themselves_ in the process.

"You okay?" Noel asks her afterwards as they lie in bed.

"What? Yeah."

"You seemed a bit distracted."

"As if."

 

**Eight.**

The next time Sue and Chris have sex, she finds it much harder than she expected she would not to tell Chris she knows. She's bursting with secrets, really. How is one woman expected to contain so many? She's been keeping her relationship with Dee secret from everyone all this time, sure, but she's so used to that one. And it's her _own._ But she just really wants to see the look on Chris's face when he finds out his secret's not so secret after all.

He pads into the bathroom, sheet wrapped round his waist, and comes back with a glass of water. He always gets dehydrated after sex, bless him. He starts talking about he thinks he's found a house for them in Berlin, but she's getting sick of all this moving-talk lately (she doesn't want to think about moving away from Dee), so she decides to change the subject.

"Guess what?" she says, sitting up.

"What?" Chris asks, not really looking particularly interested.

"Sometimes Dee fucks Noel with a strap-on."

Chris spits out a mouthful of water and then starts spontaneously choking. Sue bursts into laughter and rushes out of bed to slap him on the back.

Well, it's fair enough. If she can't reveal _one_ secret, she's sure as hell going to reveal another one instead.

 

**Nine.**

Sue pushes Noel's leg off her stomach, blows Dee's hair out of her face, and kicks Chris's arm away from where it's draped across her knees. Satisfied, she settles, until everybody moves a second later, and once again, she is covered in various limbs.

"I can't believe this," she says crossly. "We've been doing this for ages and you two still haven't bought a bigger bed."

Nobody responds, so she prods the body closest to her, recognising it as Dee's. Dee makes an odd, squawking sound of protest, and hits her.

"Shut up, 'm sleeping," she mumbles.

"You're not."

"Too much sex. Need sleep."

With this, she rolls over, and her cold feet dig into Sue's shins as she snuggles down facing away from her. A moment later there is a loud thump.

"Gnar," groans Noel, from a spot on the floor next to the bed.

The remaining three spread out in every direction, making use of the newfound space.

"How'd that happen?" Chris murmurs, smiling sleepily as he nuzzles into Sue's shoulder, but Sue is distracted by Noel's hands sneaking in under the duvet at the bottom of the bed, and grabbing at her feet.

"I told you," she snaps, sitting up and glaring at him. "Bigger bed."

"Why should we have to?" Noel retorts, bravely sliding Dee's legs aside so he at least has enough space to perch on the end of the bed. "It's always us. You two never make any effort."

Chris decides to deal with this confrontation by curling up into a tight ball and pretending to be asleep. He even begins to snore lightly, until Sue thumps him.

"Because we live in _Berlin_ , you twat," she says, rolling her eyes. "We have done for a while now, you know. And you've only come to visit, what, three times?"

"Four," says Noel, "but even then, you made us sleep on the floor. At least we let you in the bed."

"Noel," says Dee, interrupting this, and Noel swings his head round immediately to look at his girlfriend. "Noel, since you're out of bed and everything, would you be a dear and go make us some tea?"

Noel heaves a sigh but gets up anyway, pulling on the first item of clothing he sees that looks like underwear. Dee makes a mental note that he really looks pretty good in her silky red knickers, and decides this is something they will have to take further at some point in the near future.

Noel pads out of the room blearily, and Sue throws herself back onto the bed again, listening to him trotting down the stairs, shuffling around in the kitchen and filling the kettle. A minute or so later he comes back in again.

"I was just thinking," he says, "do you lot remember when this first started?"

Dee just groans "no" and Chris's only response is to throw a pillow at Noel, which he quickly regrets when he lies back down only to have his head hit the mattress.

"I think so," says Sue thoughtfully. She considers it for a moment. "It was ages ago. Maybe a whole year? It was after a party."

"Um. Obviously," Dee interjects helpfully.

"We were here," Sue carries on, ignoring her. She sits up. "In the bedroom, and everybody was here, Julian and Mike and Dave and everyone, and Julian brought Julia, do you remember?"

Noel shrugs.

"And Chris, Chris-" Sue prods her boyfriend at this point, and Chris jerks back guiltily. He had been trying to slide her pillow out from behind her without her noticing. "You were trying to teach Noel to play one of your songs."

"That happened a lot," says Chris dryly, patting the pillow down and settling back on it with his arms behind his head. "It never worked."

Noel sticks his tongue out and throws Chris's original pillow back at him, hitting him right in the face. Chris sighs, then shrugs and puts the pillow on top of Sue's, snuggling down on top of both of them.

"D'you remember anything about that night that made it different to about fifty other nights that sound _exactly_ like what you just described?" Dee asks.

"Um, yeah," says Sue. "It ended with the four of us shagging."

The two girls start a catfight at this point, and Noel, having witnessed such a thing so many times that it has ceased even to excite him, goes back downstairs to make the tea. When he re-enters, the girls have calmed down, and they take their mugs of tea from him gratefully, even clearing him a space on the bed. Happily settled between Chris and Sue, Noel finishes his tea first, drinking it down syrupy and thick with all the sugar he always insists on adding. He traces Sue's _Corner_ tattoo with his fingertip, and she rubs at a fingernail-scratch on her stomach (courtesy of Dee).

"I really can't remember exactly how this all started, though," she says. It really seems to be something she feels the need to get to the bottom of, and Noel regrets having brought it up in the first place. He sighs and leans past Chris to try and slide his empty mug onto the bedside table. Chris clears a space for it between a bottle of lube and a dildo, and Noel takes a moment to appreciate just how _random_ the assortment of items is.

Dee, who has emerged from the fight relatively unscathed as usual, is the only one who bothers to reply to Sue. "It doesn't matter," she says. "It's not like we're writing some kind of autobiography."

Sue snorts. "Good thing, too," she says, handing her mug to Chris for him to balance it precariously on top of a pair of handcuffs on the bedside table.

"It'd be quite pornographic, if we did," Chris says, his voice low and amused as he inhales the steam from his tea, not really drinking it, just breathing in the smell.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Dee laughs. "Sounds pretty good to me."

Chris dips his finger into his tea and flicks a few droplets of it at her.

"Oh, Chris," Sue sighs dejectedly, sinking down under the duvet for cover. "You really should know better."

When Dee splashes the rest of her hot tea across the bed in Chris's general direction, Noel is glad that he has followed Sue's example and the two of them are safely under the covers, keeping themselves amused by making out until the fight runs its course.

Luckily, they're not alone for long. For some reason, fighting—whatever form it comes in—always seems to put Dee in the mood for sex, and the four of them have a whole _day_ ahead of them to fill.

"It doesn't matter how it started," Noel murmurs happily a little while later, with one hand on Chris's cock and the other between Dee's legs, "as long as it stays this way."

The others are hard pressed to disagree.  



End file.
